Sexual Assault Voices of Calgary
Don't Be That Guy
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Breaking the Silence
Talking about the issue is important.

This feels simple enough right?  Why do we even need to say it in the first place?  Don’t we say that “talk is cheap and actions matter”? 

People have not been talking about it.  Think how many conversations you have about sex and sexuality with your peers, friends, family and partners?

Let’s consider sexual assault.  If no one’s talking about it, how is a survivor going to know who they can go to for help? The unfortunate reality of sexual violence is that most of the time people are not talking about it or when they do, it’s in one of two ways: how the survivor should have done a better job at keeping themselves safe or joking about it.

Talking about sexual violence in our own circles is a good first step toward making a positive change.  The more you speak out, the more people will start to see that talking about these issues is okay, and they’ll be more likely to do so themselves.  The more people talk about these issues in a positive way, the more likely it is survivors will hear that their experiences matter.  Chances are that people around you, feel the exact same way.

By speaking out, you have the potential to let survivors and other allies know that they’re not alone. The more people that speak out, the greater our community becomes

“Real courage is about doing things that are challenging and uncomfortable because you know that’s the way to make a better world. Things such as accepting a higher proportion of women in roles of power and expertise. Or listening to women talking about our experiences of violence and discrimination without interrupting or trying to make it all about you.” 
- Laurie Penny, In Defense of White Knights -


“Instead of telling women that it’s not all men, show them. Show them by listening and supporting.” 
- Chuck Wendig, Not all men but still too many men -

“…we started getting success stories, we started hearing from women that said she was a keen runner and she often experienced harassment, she thought it was just the way things were and then after reading the stories on the website she realized…that this shouldn’t be normal and it wasn’t okay…” 
- Laura Bates, Everyday Sexism -


Speak out! Break the silence. Advocate for change

Is it true?

Is it true that men “need” to have sex and that sometimes they just can’t control themselves?

No. Men can, and do, control themselves and their sexual desires.  Sexual assault is an act of violence against another person where sex is being used as the weapon.  It is a crime to commit an act of sexual assault. 

Is it true that people just misread the signals, I mean if someone isn’t into what’s happening they’ll just say so, right?

No. There are many different ways, verbal and non-verbal, to indicate to others that we are not into what is happening and we are generally good at reading them in other situations; think of situations where you invite someone for drinks and while they don’t say “no” you get the feeling that they’re not interested.  Or consider a situation where you wanted to go see a movie with friends and then grab some dinner afterward: you wouldn’t just gather them all up, put them in a car, and drive them to the theatre, you would ask each of them first if they were interested.

Sexual activity should be no different.  Any sexual activity requires clear, enthusiastic, on-going consent and if that is not present then you shouldn’t proceed.  If you are ever not sure if someone is into what is happening you can, and should, ask them directly.

Okay, sexual assault is definitely wrong and I would never blame the victim, but is it true that it's a 
two-way street? Aren’t both people partially responsible?

No. The responsibility for getting consent lies with the initiator.  If they didn’t get consent from their partner then the fault lies with them.  They may not know what they’re doing is sexual assault but not knowing or not intending to harm another is not an excuse and it would still be considered assault.

Is it true that people need to take responsibility and keep themselves safe, it’s fine to give tips so long as I’m coming from a good place right?

No. Telling someone to watch their drinks, not hang out with certain people, or not wear clothing that’s too revealing takes the focus off of the person committing the crime of sexual assault and puts it on the person experiencing the assault.  These kinds of messages also reinforce the notion that the sexual assault was “deserved” or understandable if the “tips” were not followed and people who experience the assault can start blaming themselves.
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